So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Randomize
