my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
