My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Randomize
