We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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