Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
