How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Randomize
