Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
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