I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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