I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Randomize
