at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
