My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
