I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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