my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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