I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize