my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
