I wish I could teleport
when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Randomize
