Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Randomize
