it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
