I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
