I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
