Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
