dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
