the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
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