i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
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