I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Randomize
