She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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