I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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