Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
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