I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize