a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Randomize
