Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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