his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
