She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
