I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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