so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Randomize
