someone threw a dead crab at me
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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