My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Are these your boobs on my camera?
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
