If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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