the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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