Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
