Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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