I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
