I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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