Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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