I'm passing your future prison.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
