if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
