He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
