anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
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