She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
