I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
