Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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