Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Randomize
