one word: firstdatebathroomanal
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
