happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
