You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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