After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Randomize
