Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
