My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize