im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
You're like the curious george of whores
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
