i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
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