3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Randomize
