that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
you are never too drunk for berry picking
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
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