You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize