wrigley field is MILF paradise
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
