so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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