I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
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