I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
