Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
