Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
