filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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