Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
